SAMPLE RESPONSES

MY RESPONSES TO ACTUAL STUDENT WORK

NOTES:

1. Since composing these responses, I have changed some of the symbols in my revision manual. Among these are the symbol for additional evidence (ξ+), the symbol for connecting information to the thesis (⇑), and the symbol for combining sentences (Π).
2. My students were required to choose from a short list of writing topics. Most of these writers chose the issue of “separation between church and state”; a few chose “America’s pervasive sense of guilt.” I would not necessarily limit topics for online students.
3. I required students to employ a “point-counterpoint” technique in their argument. They had to take a position on an issue and then cite and demonstrate their understanding of a powerful argument held by their opponents on the same issue. They then proceeded to show why the opponents’ argument was not really as effective as many believe, and why their own arguments were more effective. I usually tried to demonstrate opponents’ arguments when students failed to think deeply enough about them. I was able to play “devil’s advocate” for either side.
4. I selected these ten responses out of literally hundreds I have done over the years. I taught three smaller sections of AP English and two larger classes of regular English. Most of the following happen to be from AP classes. Student names have, of course, been removed.

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1 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Point/Counterpoint Adjustment and Justifying Religious Influence More Effectively

You haven’t yet provided a sufficient point/counterpoint component in your essay. This is not a difficult matter to address.

You need to demonstrate an understanding of your opponents’ best arguments and then explain why they are not valid. Specifically, if you take the position of advocating religious influence and elimination or alteration of the doctrine of separation, you will need to address certain issues with great care. None of the following is new information. I have already posed these questions. They must be met and answered in your essay. So far, you have done little to make your position seem realistic.

You have a tendency to make obvious, weak statements. Look for them everywhere in your writing and add significance to them. Think a little harder about what you’re saying. It appears that you’re going through the motions of writing the essay and trying to think as little as possible. This is a technique that will not work. You are much more capable than your “half baked” thoughts make you look. If you’re not certain what to say about the complexities involved, let me know. I can help.

Elaborate on your current fifth paragraph. Make it your “point/counterpoint” paragraph. (See Note #4 below.) Also, add a new paragraph after it, explaining why religious influence is viable. Explain how religious influence can be made to work in American society. You might want to expand this part of the argument to two paragraphs. You don't need to address every single one of the following questions in this part of the essay, but you need to clarify your position on the key points of it. Here are some statements to guide you in preparing this argument:

The Constitution requires that no religion be established as an “official” entity of government. It does not require that all religious influence be eradicated. How can religious guidance be allowed without encouraging the development of an “official” religion, thereby alienating other religions and creating division in the country?

If the Ten Commandments are displayed, should other such moral lists and rules for all religions be posted? How do you show that each of the many, many lists is equally important? For example, should the letters all be the same size? Should they be displayed in English, or in their native language? How can these different lists be displayed without offering any one of them a “prominent” place?

Where do you separate religions and cults? If a group claims to be religious, how do you deny their influence and the posting of their principles, just because their so-called "morals" disagree with Christian morals? Extremists such as right-wing Muslims insist that their teachings are moral and right. They advocate strict obedience to God and severe limitations on freedom. If those groups insist upon these restrictions being acknowledged in a nation based on personal freedom, how can you deny such groups? If you deny them, disharmony will result. What can be done about such disharmony among the multitudes of American religious groups? Explain some of these problems and how the schools and government would deal with them.

You appear to advocate religious guidance because it can provide moral instruction. When you suggest this assertion is reasonable, you are also suggesting that any religious entity that provides moral instruction must be allowed in schools. Should all religions be allowed to have input in the schools and in government, or just Christian religions?

The school day is already quite long. To provide time for religious instruction, are you proposing that the school day be made longer? Should the school year be longer? Perhaps you mean instead to eliminate certain studies and substitute religious studies. Explain which classes should be eliminated. If you decide to go this direction, provide proof that the elimination of these classes would be a good idea, and that such a step would not harm education.

Intro – Separation Between Church and State

You have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of the "separation" topic, you need to present three or more important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. Explain each of those in a separate sentence. Write one sentence about government. Write one sentence about schools. Write one sentence about public displays. If you wish, you may also provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous.

Thesis – Separation of Church and State

You still don't have an adequate thesis statement You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "thesis" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. As I've repeated several times, a thesis statement for the topic of separation will explain whether the doctrine of separation is good or bad and why. Your thesis asserts that separation is a bad idea, and then you present one of the strongest arguments in favor of separation, America’s diversity. Imposing an official religion on all Americans would be virtually impossible. Not only are there multitudes of different religions, but also many different denominations of Christian religions. If one religion were established, it would absolutely cause heated controversy, jealousy, and conflict. You can still assert that religious influence is a good idea, but you must provide a way of allowing it without violating the First Amendment, which prevents the government from establishing any official religion.

Note #1 - Don’t order the subtopics

“The first,” “The second,” and “The third” are poor phrasing. Instead, write, “One important issue,” “Another vital topic of interest,” “Another concern.” The reason you should avoid “first, second, third,” is because some people will rank them differently, and you don’t want to weaken your position by insisting on a particular hierarchy of rules.

Note #2 - Separation, Religion, and Government

When you write about the issue of separation you must discuss whether or not religious influence upon government is acceptable. You need to explain the current extent of religious influence and whether that amount of influence is excessive, inadequate, or acceptable. You have not sufficiently addressed these aspects of the argument in your essay. You need to deal with them. Currency and Congressional sessions are trivial matters in comparison to the larger issues. Some advocate election of only Christian representatives. They insist on government strictly according to Biblical teachings. Bring those issues into your discussion.

Note #3 – paragraphs 3 and 4

In these paragraphs, you have not explained the importance of your arguments to your topic. Again, you have mentioned two areas of controversy that your opponents would also site as reasons in favor of separation. They would say that any mention of the Christian God violates the First Amendment. You need to mention that argument and present counter-arguments.

Note #4 - PROOFREAD

It appears you are attempting to present your opponents’ argument in favor of separation, but you have phrased your point incorrectly. Such mistakes are due only to carelessness, and you will be graded down for them. Read what you have written. Check to make certain it says just what you want it to say. Elaborate on this argument. Explain your opponents’ position. What examples would they site to demonstrate their opinion that separation is wise?

If you are proofreading at all, you are not proofreading well. While composing your essay, you need to read and reread your own work many times. As you do, you must inspect it as though you are reading for the first time. Read as objectively as possible, and be critical. If you haven't expressed something correctly or effectively, make changes. You should certainly be capable of identifying more run-on sentences, missed words, and punctuation problems, at the very least. If you believe you cannot read objectively, ask a friend or family member to read your work and point out errors. If you fail to proofread better next time, your draft might not count as a rewrite, and you might have to turn in yet another one.

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2 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Your writing has improved. Your introduction is fairly well organized. Most of your trouble now has to do with word choices.

Note #1 - Qualify or support (triangle and plus sign)

If you make assertions too hastily, you can weaken your argument. For example, you assert that, “Religion is not allowed in public schools.”

Such a statement is absolutely not true. It is a weak assertion because it has no qualifiers. Religion is allowed in schools. Students are permitted to conduct religious meetings and pray if they wish. Many students wear religious symbols and speak to one another about their faith. None of these practices is prohibited. It may be possible to prove a certain essential truth in your statement with an elaborate argument. If you wish, you may immediately provide that evidence after the sentence and insist on its message as expressed, but an alternative solution is available to you. By qualifying the language a bit, you can make the same basic point without placing yourself in a situation requiring such immediate and elaborate support: “Public school officials are prohibited from advocating religious beliefs or teaching religious practices in the schools.” Use this sentence in place of your current second sentence. After such an assertion, a reader will probably not insist upon seeing proof immediately after the sentence. He or she will likely be content to wait and read the entirety of your essay before making negative judgments about your position.

You have a tendency to make such statements. Look for them in your writing and either support them or qualify your position.

Note #2 – transitions

Try to show that the introductory sentences are related. Most importantly, make certain they all clearly have a relationship to your thesis. Rewrite your third sentence. Use this one: “Although they often challenge the limits, government officials, by law, also must refrain from openly advocating any religion over another.” Now the second and third sentences have a clear connection with one another.

In your fourth sentence, you mention drugs and alcohol. In that sentence, you must explain what those concerns have to do with a consideration of the value of religious influence in government and in public life.

syn

You have a chronic problem with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword those sentences in your introduction. I need to see effort of that type from you.

Point/Counterpoint Adjustment

You haven’t yet provided a sufficient point/counterpoint component in your essay. This is not a difficult matter to address. You need to explain one of your opponents’ arguments. Summarize the points they would make, and then explain why those arguments are weak.

You believe the doctrine of separation to be valid, but your opponents believe otherwise. You need to do a better job explaining why advocates of this position believe they’re right and you’re wrong. Then explain why their argument is not valid. You might find it convenient to elaborate on your arguments in paragraph two and three. However, you have some major problems with your argument in paragraph 3. (See Note #3.)

Note #3 – Qualify Language

You have the same problem here that you had in your first paragraph (Note #1 above). Religions tend to emphasize differences in race, nationality, and belief systems. They don’t really bring people of opposing faiths together. Most religions are built upon claims that they are in control of the “real truth,” and that other religions are wrong. A religiously unified country would not likely be more tolerant. People of other faiths would not easily accept the authority of the dominant, controlling religion. Try to find better arguments in support of religious guidance. (See next note.)

Legitimacy of Religion’s Arguments
Advocates of religious influence have very legitimate complaints about American society, government, and education. They say American society has deteriorated to the point where people are selfish and do not feel obligations or connections to their neighbors or communities. The media has distorted happiness and made it appear to be more connected to material possessions than a purposeful life. They say the nation has lost its connection to the importance of people’s spiritual or emotional needs. Now greed is commonplace. People lose their humanity in their feverish pursuit of possessions and money. The people’s common understanding of success is now sickly mutated. The selfishness has spread to government and big business. Cheating is commonplace in the corporate world, and even international relations have deteriorated.

Religion, many citizens claim, would restore morality and high principles to all aspects of life if it were allowed to flourish. They also claim that the presence of a Judeo-Christian faith, or at least a respect for an all-powerful Deity, is deeply ingrained in American tradition. They would point to the fact that “In God We Trust” still appears on American currency, and that references to “God and Country” appear in many other documents, some official, and some strictly traditional. It is often argued that the United States Constitution does not prohibit religious influence, but only requires that no religion receive official preference to any other under the law.

Proponents of this view contend that the doctrine of separation is not strictly Constitutional, but a development of a misguided U.S. Supreme Court. They believe a reversal of their decisions would permit reforms to take place in the American spirit. You may substitute some of these ideas in paragraphs two and three.

Note #4 – cite source of data

You don’t have to claim that 90% of the students have been asked to use alcohol or drugs. That exact figure would need verification through a source, and you would have to cite the source. Instead, just make the point that most students have opportunities to use alcohol and drugs. Then you don’t have to make a formal citation or do research.

Note #5 – Contradiction, and connect the paragraph to thesis

star symbol, with or without the "checkpoint" symbol

You contradict yourself by saying certain people should address a problem and then later saying the problem can’t be stopped. You need to make a decision which of the two is correct.

Use your introduction as a foundation for your argument. Your introduction should outline the intended structure of your argument. Then in the body of your essay, you must fulfill that intention and complete the argument.

Develop a good thesis statement in the introduction and then refer back to it in every paragraph to remind your reader of your purpose, namely, to show how separation is a valid and wise doctrine, even though religious proponents argue in favor of religious influence. Explain how this paragraph helps support the thesis. You should not be repeating the thesis word for word, but you need to paraphrase it clearly enough to reinforce the connection between each subtopic and the main point of the essay. If you don't show any effort at making these connections throughout the essay, your next draft may not qualify as an acceptable rewrite, and you may have to submit further drafts in order to satisfy the requirements of this project.

"there is," "there are," "here is," "here are"

The construction of "there is," "there are," "there should be," "there can be," and other similar forms of it, is a distracting crutch for your writing. Get rid of it wherever you see it, and restate your point in stronger language.

"things"

Your use of "things" and other forms of it is a distraction. The words "thing" and "something" are usually very weak substitutes for nouns that specifically name persons, places, concepts, or objects. Eliminate usage of these words and refer to your subject matter with stronger nouns.

Third Person: Avoid first, second person (also the spiral symbol)

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3 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Intro – Separation Between Church and State

You have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of the "separation" topic, you need to present three or more important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. Write a sentence explaining the importance of beliefs and values in the culture at large. Write a sentence explaining the importance of the government’s establishing of laws. Write a sentence explaining the importance of personal, individual freedoms. If you wish, you may also provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous. In each sentence, explain how its concern is critical to consideration of your thesis.

Thesis – Separation of Church and State

syn

You have a mild problem with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make.

Third Person: Avoid first, second person (also the spiral symbol)

In a formal essay, it is important to maintain a third person perspective. Don’t use the words “I,” “me,” “us,” “we,” “you,” or “your.” Speak more generally about people, the world, nations, states, and communities. Change your perspective so that you are talking about the issues rather than yourself or your reader as specific individuals. The importance of third person perspective has already been explained to you repeatedly in the writing process. If you don't show any effort correcting your errors in perspective, your next draft may not qualify as an acceptable rewrite, and you may have to submit further drafts in order to satisfy the requirements of this project.

"there is," "there are," "here is," "here are"

Ex (also with the triangle enclosing a plus sign)

Support your argument with examples. Remember to read the handout I gave you on “Providing an Example.” Notice how the scenario expands an argument and makes it seem reasonable. You have mentioned cultural values as one significant issue in your argument. You need to expand upon it. Cite a “non-example.” What happens to a nation whose cultural values come under the control of a religion? What are the negative consequences? Do the same for the other two body paragraphs. If you don't show any effort at elaborating your argument with examples, your next draft may not qualify as an acceptable rewrite, and you may have to submit further drafts in order to satisfy the requirements of this project.

Legitimacy of Religion’s Arguments
Add at least one paragraph. In it, explain your opponents’ contentions, and then explain why their objection to separation is not valid. Use some of the following ideas to construct this paragraph:

Advocates of religious influence have very legitimate complaints about American society, government, and education. They say American society has deteriorated to the point where people are selfish and do not feel obligations or connections to their neighbors or communities. The media has distorted happiness and made it appear to be more connected to material possessions than a purposeful life. They say the nation has lost its connection to the importance of people’s spiritual or emotional needs. Now greed is commonplace. People lose their humanity in their feverish pursuit of possessions and money. The people’s common understanding of success is now sickly mutated. The selfishness has spread to government and big business. Cheating is commonplace in the corporate world, and even international relations have deteriorated.

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4 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Topic, Separation or Guilt

You have failed to compose an adequate first sentence. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "topic" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. The first sentence of the introduction must name your topic and explain why it is important. Use the words “separation of church and state,” or “America’s pervasive sense of guilt,” for example, to clarify the topic you have selected. Do not reveal your thesis at this point in the introduction. Make certain the thesis appears at the end of your introduction.

Intro – America’s pervasive sense of guilt

You have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of "America’s pervasive sense of guilt," present at least two important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. Write one sentence explaining the importance of the issue of slavery. Write one sentence explaining the importance of America’s abuse of Native Americans. Write one sentence explaining the importance of excessive taxation. You also must provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous.

Use the following passage to begin your introduction. Please note how I’ve applied the ideas above in writing it:

It is said that a “pervasive sense of guilt” exists in America. Many Americans fail to feel enough guilt about mistakes of the past, such as slavery, which was legal and even desirable in the nation for most of its first one hundred years, and has led to discrimination and prejudice that still exists to the current day. [You will have to finish the rest of the introduction. Continue here by following the instructions in bold print above. End your introduction with a clear thesis, as explained in the section below.]

Thesis – America’s Pervasive Sense of Guilt

You still don't have an adequate thesis statement. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "thesis" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. As I have stated several times, a good thesis statement for the topic of "American guilt" will explain whether guilt actually exists and whether or not guilt might lead to any real benefits in society. You need to strengthen your thesis statement.

Clichés and slang

The clichés and slang are very noticeable. Avoid using the “easy phrase” and try to use more formal language. Clichés and slang are informal, familiar phrases that normally fail to convey much meaning. “A lot” and “stuff” are examples. Look for others, and replace them with more formal language.

star symbol, with or without the "checkpoint" symbol

Develop a good thesis statement in the introduction and then refer back to it in every paragraph to remind your reader of your purpose. You should not be repeating the thesis word for word, but you need to paraphrase it clearly enough to reinforce the connection between each subtopic and the main point of the essay. If you don't show any effort at making these connections throughout the essay, your next draft may not qualify as an acceptable rewrite, and you may have to submit further drafts in order to satisfy the requirements of this project.

Third Person: Avoid first, second person (also the spiral symbol)

syn

You have a chronic problem with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword parts of your introduction, above. I need to see effort of that type from you.

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5 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Intro – Separation Between Church and State

You have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of the "separation" topic, you need to present three or more important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. Explain each of those in a separate sentence. Write a sentence explaining the importance of the Constitution to your thesis. Write a sentence explaining how religious traditions, such as prayers in congress, and slogans on U.S. currency, pertain to your thesis. Write a sentence explaining how the controversy in schools connects to your thesis. If you wish, you may also provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous.

Thesis – Separation of Church and State

You still don't have an adequate thesis statement You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "thesis" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. As I've repeated several times, a thesis statement for the topic of separation will explain whether the doctrine of separation is good or bad and why. It is extremely difficult to discern your position on the matter. Throughout your essay, you seem to favor more religious influence, but at the end of paragraph 5, you suddenly appear to contradict your earlier assertions. You must choose a side on the controversy and state it. If you are having trouble sorting out the issues, come to see me about qualifying your language to clarify your position.

Note #1 -

Qualify or support (triangle and plus sign)

If you make assertions too hastily, you can weaken your argument. For example, you say that Christians are demanding that people “accept [the facts] or leave the country.” In reality, most Christians do not make such demands.

Your statement is weak because it has no qualifiers. By qualifying the language a bit, you can make a much more substantial assertion: “Some extreme fundamentalists today claim that the United States was founded on Christian principles, and although the Constitution grants them the right to make that claim, The First Amendment also clearly limits the power of any religion from establishing itself above any other.” After such an assertion, a reader will probably not take issue. He or she will likely be content to wait and read the entirety of your essay before making negative judgments about your position.

Note the other similarly labeled areas of your writing in which someone (either you or someone else) is telling others where to go and what to do. A college-level writer absolutely must avoid introducing such unrealistic and purely emotional demands, whether they be yours or someone else’s.

You have a tendency to make such statements. Look for them in your writing and either support them or qualify your position.

Note #2

Please observe how my revision combined the indicated sentence with the previous one. Use my revision.

PROOFREAD

Part of the problem with Notes #1 and #2 is one of proofreading. Check to make certain you’re saying just what you want to say.

syn

Another part of the problem is syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword the early part of paragraph two. I need to see effort of that type from you.

Note #3

In reality, the notoin of separation was extremely contentious, some would say every bit as contentious, or maybe more contentious in certain ways, than it is now. You can make an important point here. Think carefully about what you need to say.

Note #4 - Justify Religious Influence More Effectively

Again, it is difficult to discern in your paper, but if you are taking the position of accepting a certain amount of religious influence, you will need to address certain issues with great care. None of the following is new information. I have already posed these questions. So far, you have done little to make your position seem realistic. You don't need to address every single one of the following questions in your essay, but you need to clarify your position on the key points you have chosen. Here are some statements to guide you in preparing this argument:

If the Ten Commandments are displayed, should lists of morals and rules for all religions be posted? How do you show that each of the many, many lists is equally important? For example, should the letters all be the same size? Should they be displayed in English, or in their native language? How can these different lists be displayed without offering any one of them a “prominent” place?

At one point, you appear to advocate religious guidance because it can provide moral instruction. When you suggest this assertion is reasonable, you are also suggesting that any religious entity that provides moral instruction must be allowed in schools. Should all religions be allowed to have input in the schools and in government, or just Christian religions?

Conclusion of Essay

Remember to pattern your conclusion after the introduction. Each statement of your introduction, including the thesis, should be paraphrased in your conclusion, point by point.

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6 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Note #1 - PROOFREAD

The capitalization errors in your first draft were pointed out to you. Make certain you capitalize according to the changes made on this draft. The current first sentence was edited and rewritten for you on your first draft. You should have noticed some misplaced words when you wrote about “people fleeing religious persecution and their persuaded American’s forefathers to see the wisdom ...” Read over your work carefully. Check to make certain it reads smoothly. If you perceive an error and don’t understand it, ask me, and I will help you.

In general, if you are proofreading at all, you are not proofreading consistently well. While composing your essay, you need to read and reread your own work many times. As you do, you must inspect it as though you are reading for the first time. Read as objectively as possible, and be critical. If you haven't expressed something correctly or effectively, make changes. You should certainly be capable of identifying more run-on sentences, missed words, and punctuation problems, at the very least. If you believe you cannot read objectively, ask a friend or family member to read your work and point out errors. If you fail to proofread better next time, your draft might not count as a rewrite, and you might have to turn in yet another one.

syn

You have problems with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword your introduction thus far. I need to see effort of that type from you.

Note #2 - Qualify or support (triangle and plus sign)

If you make assertions too hastily, you can weaken your argument. For example, you assert that, “[The Establishment Clause] is interpreted to prohibit the government from adopting a particular religion...”

Very seldom do people interpret laws or policies in order to exercise control over government. Such attempts are made, of course, but I don’t believe it reflects the case here. I don’t think you intended to suggest such a curious notion. Quite often, however, individuals will interpret governmental laws in certain ways to exercise control over other people. But that meaning is not your intention either, as far as I can discern.

By qualifying the language a bit, you can make an intelligent point without placing yourself in a weak situation: “Although the courts often interpret the Establishment Clause in this manner, its real intent is not to abolish influence between the law and religion, but to limit that influence.” Consider this revision carefully. I think it reflects the meaning you want. If you don’t understand it, or if you decide it doesn’t accurately reflect your views, see me, and we’ll find another way to express it. After encountering a carefully worded statement such as this one, a reader will probably wait and read the entirety of your essay before making negative judgments about your position.

You have a tendency to make such statements. Look for them in your writing and either support them or qualify your position.

Note # 3 - MLA

In paragraphs two and three, you introduce information that is not common knowledge. You assert very specific facts that need documentation. Please document it according to MLA standards. List your works cited accurately at the end of the essay. If you prefer, you can avoid having to do so by presenting simple scenarios instead, as I have illustrated in the “examples” handout and below:

Ex (also with the triangle enclosing a plus sign)

Consider supporting your argument with examples. Remember to read the handout I gave you on “Providing an Example.” Notice how the scenario expands an argument and makes it seem reasonable. You have written that the government is not allowed to promote or restrict religious activity. You need to expand upon the idea. Cite a “non-example.” What would happen if the government were allowed to dramatically affect religious activity? What would be the negative consequences? In paragraph three, avoid mentioning specific, even somewhat obscure activities that are controlled by Middle East theocracies. It would be easy enough to mention the oppression of women and the general restrictions upon society there.

Don’t simply eliminate all support from this area of your argument. Some students simply cut passages out. You can’t do that. Your argument needs support, either good common sense scenarios as examples, or MLA documented evidence. If you don't provide it, your next draft may not qualify as an acceptable rewrite, and you may have to submit further drafts in order to satisfy the requirements of this project.

Note #4 - Point/Counterpoint Adjustment

You believe separation is a good doctrine, but your opponents believe otherwise. In a well-developed paragraph, add a short explanation why advocates of this position believe they’re right and you’re wrong. Then explain why their argument is not valid, and continue building your argument. I’ve included some ideas in the next section that will be helpful:

Put together a good argument in favor of religious influence, and then show clearly that it has serious flaws.

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7 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Topic, Separation or Guilt

You have failed to compose an adequate first sentence. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "topic" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. The first sentence of the introduction must name your topic and explain why it is important. Use the words “America’s pervasive sense of guilt,” for example, to clarify the topic you have selected. Do not reveal your thesis at this point in the introduction. Make certain the thesis appears at the end of your introduction.

Intro – America’s pervasive sense of guilt

On your first draft, you have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your first draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of "America’s pervasive sense of guilt," present two important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. You also must provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous.

Thesis – America’s Pervasive Sense of Guilt

syn

Clichés and slang

The clichés and slang are very noticeable. Avoid using the “easy phrase” and try to use more formal language. Clichés and slang are informal, familiar phrases that normally fail to convey much meaning. “A lot” is such a phrase. Look for others, and replace them with more formal language.

"there is," "there are," "here is," "here are"

star symbol, with or without the "checkpoint" symbol

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8 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Note #1

Thesis – Separation of Church and State

Move your current last sentence to the indicated spot. That will place your thesis statement last in the paragraph. Expand your thesis to clarify. It will be very helpful if you’d decide whether the current amount of religious influence in government and government institutions, such as public schools, is appropriate, excessive, or deficient.

syn

You still have some problems with syntax, although your eloquence has shown real growth and improvemtn. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make.

Note #2 -

star symbol, with or without the "checkpoint" symbol

Note #3 –

It appears you’re making a point about the separation policy in paragraph two, but then you stop before doing so. Why is the slogan honoring God on currency such an important matter? What does that slogan prove in regard to your view of separation?

Third Person: Avoid first, second person (also the spiral symbol)

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9 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

Note #1 – PROOFREAD

You’re a bright student, and you have some powerful thoughts, but you’re not paying attention to the way you’re expressing them. Your thinking is sharp, but your efforts to express it is fraught with negligence.

Look at the highlighted sentence. Perhaps you mean to say, “Many times in the past, it seemed apparent that religion had spoken the final word in politics.” That word combination is at least more eloquent and meaningful. However, I have doubts as to what you might mean by it. Religion has been used in many ways, and some of those ways were forceful and even ruthless. Religion is often used as an excuse for war, and just as often as a reason to limit freedoms. But so far, no institution has ever spoken the “final word” in politics. In fact, it seems that political influences are almost unpredictably changeable. A better argument can be made that religion has confused matters.

My suspicion is that you have a different thought than your language expresses.

Your word choices are not always strong. “Final verdict” is a court of law expression, and “politics” is only a small portion of society and culture. The two create a thought-provoking mixed metaphor, but they don’t accomplish very much. Check to make certain you’re saying just what you want to say. Spend more time reflecting on possibilities.

syn

You have a chronic problem with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword the sixth sentence of your introduction and the second sentence of your second paragraph. I need to see effort of that type from you. Virtually every sentence you’ve written needs work, with exceptions in certain areas. The latter half of your second paragraph is well written.

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10 [STUDENT NAME HERE]

PROOFREAD

When you mean "state," don’t write "stare." Such mistakes are due only to carelessness, and you will be graded down for them. Read what you have written. Check to make certain it says just what you want it to say.

Intro – Separation Between Church and State

You have failed to compose sentences summarizing your arguments about the subtopics you have selected in your essay. You were provided all information regarding this problem several weeks ago. Because the problem is serious, the word "intro" appears in a "box" at the top of your draft. The introductory sentences between the opening sentence and the thesis statement must explain the subtopics covered in the body of your essay. They must tell why those subtopics are important to your discussion. In the case of the "separation" topic, you need to present three or more important arguments that illustrate and clarify the validity of your position. Explain each of those in a separate sentence. Write a sentence explaining the fading influence of religion in public schools. Write another one addressing the deteriorating moral values in the country, owing, perhaps, to the repressed religious influence generally. Write another one explaining the serious consequences of allowing humans to interpret religious beliefs and translate them into law. If you wish, you may also provide one “point/counter point” sentence mentioning one of your opponents’ strong arguments and pronouncing it erroneous.

Note #1 -

Qualify or support (triangle and plus sign)

I’m not certain whether the revised thesis is acceptable. You’ll have to let me know. I can’t really discern your position, to be honest with you. I’m not sure what you actually believe regarding the doctrine of separation. That position must be made very clear.

Note #2 –

You have a tendency to make contradictory statements. Look for them in your writing and revise them. Perhaps it is true that real wisdom in government is impossible. That assertion alone does nothing to clarify your position on separation. I have added words to express what you might believe in regard to the doctrine. That clarification also explains the apparent contradiction.

At the ends of paragraphs two and three, however, you don’t even try to explain why you’re contradicting your thesis, which, I believe, credits the doctrine as a wise one. You must provide a “however” statement to justify your thesis.

star symbol, with or without the "checkpoint" symbol

"there is," "there are," "here is," "here are"

syn

You have a chronic problem with syntax. Simply put, syntax is word selection and ordering at the sentence level. Read carefully what is written about syntax in the revision manual. I want you to make an effort to write out, or at least, imagine very clearly, two alternative ways of stating every sentence. If you actually write each one out, you can more vividly point to your efforts, but visualizing alternatives will certainly lead to a readily apparent improvement in syntax. I will be able to judge your efforts quite easily, regardless of which choice you make. Please observe how hard I worked to reword your thesis. I need to see effort of that type from you.

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INTRODUCTION THE PROGRAM REVISION MANUAL SAMPLE RESPONSES

Scenario: Draft 1 Scenario: Draft 2 Final Words